I’m pretty sure that at some point in the last few years, you will have had a conversation with a loved one, a colleague, or a complete stranger. A conversation that very quickly turned into an argument about something to do with politics, the environment, or social justice. Brexit, maybe? Trump, vaccines, or whose fault child poverty is?

Fast forward to the end of the “discussion”, and everyone is left feeling hyped up, attacked, upset, and staring at the remains of a broken relationship on the floor. 

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could talk about the things that matter to you without unleashing a tirade of debate club-level points on the human being you’re talking to? That’s what I’m offering you here: 3 tools that help you have important conversations, across the political divide, without burning bridges. 

Why we’re arguing more – some thoughts

Arguments are becoming more and more common. 

I jumped on The Copywriter Club podcast a few months ago to talk about how I infuse empathy into my marketing. Rob Marsh, one of the hosts, mentioned that one of the reasons he thinks this is happening is because politics has become more and more a part of our identities. We are being pushed into these groups where we identify with other people who believe the same things as us. And these differing opinions are becoming political polarization.

That means when someone challenges your politics or your ideas around political issues, then it feels personal. It feels like you need to be defensive because they’re attacking you. They’re not only attacking something that you think. 

All this has two results:

1. We take people disagreeing with us incredibly personally
2. We put people into boxes

There are people who believe the same things as we do. And those people are reasoned and logical and have thought hard about their opinions and their beliefs. They have resources and rationales and they’re nice. 

And then there are the people who disagree with us.

These people have obviously either been manipulated or come to their conclusions in a misguided way. They’ve jumped to conclusions, and not thought things through properly. Or they’re just horrible evil people, and we must convince them that they’re wrong. 

When this mindset makes it almost impossible to have a conversation with someone across the political spectrum without it turning into an argument…we never learn how to talk across the political divide.

3 Tools to help you have better conversations

Almost impossible…

But not quite. These three tools will help you talk to people who disagree with you and come out the other side without feeling like you’ve been in a battle. Instead, you’ll come out the other side feeling like you’ve made progress –  like things have moved forward. 

And the tools you need?

1. Listening properly
2. Considering things from their perspective
3. Approaching every conversation with curiosity

Let’s take one at a time, think about why they’re important, and how we can put them into practice.

Listen properly

I know, I know – it sounds obvious. Of course you’re listening if you’re having a conversation.

Except, are you?

Generally speaking, when people are listening to someone talk, they’re not really listening. If your kids are speaking. Are you really paying attention to every single thing that they’re telling you about the latest Fortnite battle that they went through, or are you mentally going through the shopping list?

When you are having a conversation or a debate with someone who you disagree with, you’re not really listening to them while they’re talking. You’re mentally forming your next point. You’re working out how you can reverse everything that they just said and how you can convince them.

You’re not listening – you’re waiting your turn. 

And that’s not constructive. Because what you miss while you’re doing that are the things that will help you understand them.

The words that they are using, the vocabulary, and the emphasis.  Whether they’re shy about different things or they’re stuttering. Whether they seem particularly nervous, impassioned, or angry. Their body language. 

Imagine you begin a conversation with a family member who disagrees with you about prison reform, for example, and you can see that they’re getting incredibly upset. They’re using very emotive words and seem agitated.

That tells you something about where that person is coming from. It tells you that this is not an academic argument for them, but rather something that matters to them on a personal level. 

Perhaps they’ve had a relative sent to prison. Perhaps they work in the prison system. It could be that they or someone that they love has been a victim of a crime and the perpetrator of that crime went to prison.

Consider things from their perspective

Tool number two is considering what the other person is saying from their perspective. 

You can get the first clues on this from listening to the language that they’re using and their body language. But to really get into it, you need to set your assumptions aside and ask questions.

What experience has this person had that has led them to their opinion?

Even if the belief they have is a conspiracy theory that has been soundly debunked by everybody that you trust, the chances are, they will have come to that belief through logic and reason and rationale, even if it’s a different logic, reason or rationale than you would have done. They will have searched for answers to their questions and found different sources. It will make sense to them. There is genuinely going to be a reason behind it.

And seeing things from different perspectives helps you get to that reason.

Think about what knowledge and experience they have had that you didn’t. For example, did they grow up massively poor, and you actually had a pretty financially stable upbringing? That gives them a different experience. It gives them a different slant on some topics. Did they experience a loved one who was a drug addict or an alcoholic, which then colours their opinions on drugs, alcohol or addiction therapy?

There are countless examples. But when you start to see things from other people’s perspectives, and you realise how they got to where they are, it really really helps you see that other person as an actual human being. Somebody with the same intellectual and emotional capacity as you, someone with similar concerns to you. Another human being who, just like you, worries about their family and paying their energy bills.

Remember that, and you’re less likely to go off into a tirade about your topic of choice.

Approach every conversation with curiosity

So we have to listen properly, and we have to consider the perspective of the person we’re talking to.

Tool number three is curiosity, or more precisely, approaching every conversation with curiosity. What can you learn from this interaction?

My son is almost 11. And at the moment, he is writing an essay to convince people that whaling is wrong. The whole point of the activity is to argue this position and to convince the person on the other side of this essay to agree with him.

When he told me about it I was suddenly taken back to my English class. Sitting there as an 11-year-old writing an essay about why foxhunting was wrong. We were learning the particular skill of writing persuasively, and it was part of the curriculum that every child in the UK had to follow.

We learnt how to take a position and convince someone that this view was right.

Now, that is an important skill in life, being able to persuade people can be quite useful. And to be able to do it without being manipulative is even more important. We learn how to argue convincingly.

But at no point in our curriculum, at school, as an adult, do we learn how to have conversations. We don’t learn how to enter into a conversation with someone who disagrees with us with curiosity and compassion.

And actually, I think that means that we default to arguing our point like we’re in a debate every time we are confronted with somebody who disagrees with us.

Instead, approaching a conversation with curiosity means that you don’t see it as a failure if you walk away and you haven’t convinced the other person that they’re wrong. You see it as a win that you have learned something new about them, the topic or a different perspective. You might even be able to find common ground – something that you do agree on and can work together on.

And if you do that, then what you’re really doing is holding that conversation gently. It’s not a life-or-death struggle. And I think we’ve been taught to view arguments or debates about political views as life and death struggles. It’s why we resort to personal attacks online and why our attempts at discussions are fraught with conflict.

But it’s not a battle.

It’s just a conversation.

And if we approach those conversations with curiosity, empathy and a willingness to learn, then together, we can reduce the political polarization that stops us from having coffee with people we love. That leads us to block family members on Facebook. That fractures our society.

Get ready for better conversations

So the next time you sit down at the dinner table with Aunt Stephanie or Uncle Bob. For Thanksgiving or Christmas. And they come out with something that you massively disagree with on climate change or gun control…

Start with listening. Rather than jumping off the start line, yelling at them about how misguided and wrong they are, because you think you can convince them. Leaving everyone else at the table staring at the Brussell sprouts.

You don’t have to avoid family dinners completely, either. There is a middle ground.

You can just have a conversation.

You can ask why Sally believes that. Where did they get those ideas from? How did they come to those conclusions? What don’t you know about her life that means that it makes sense for her to believe those things, even if you might personally find that quite offensive?

And when you have the answers to those questions, you can employ a little empathy. And look at Sally as a human being with intrinsic value. As a sum of her experiences, influences, and circumstances. Just like you.

Which is a good place to start your next conversation.

Want to learn how to weave your politics into your business messaging? Here’s an article I wrote:

“How to talk about politics without pissing people off”

Carry on reading

How to use your copywriting skills for good.

I watched a clip yesterday that was doing the rounds on social media. A UK MP called Danny Kruger asked why the government was denouncing the SCOTUS decision, when actually he thinks we should be debating abortion rights here in the UK. He didn’t believe that women had complete bodily autonomy in this situation, as “another body is involved”.

Cue massive shouts of WTF? Here too? etc.

But, you see, I’m not surprised.
I grew up in a conservative Christian environment. I sat and listened to perfectly lovely help-your-Granny-across-the-road-and-then-pay-for-her-shopping people explain how it was important to sign this petition to scale back abortion access because “life begins at conception”, “we’re all God’s children”, “before we were formed in our mothers’ wombs God knew us and made plans for us”.

And this was 30 years ago.
The UK is not safe.

And the reason that we have politicians standing in our places of power calling for a rollback of women’s rights?

The temptation is to say that it’s because of the growing Religious Right in this country, who are trying to push their values onto others.

But I don’t think it is.

They’re the foot soldiers. The cannon fodder. The leaflet posters and petition forwarders.

But if you put them in front of a woman with 4 kids whose husband had just been laid off and who had just found out she was pregnant again…
Their first instinct would be to help. And I know, because I lived and worked with them for 30 years.

The thing that always confused me is how genuinely caring, compassionate, faithful people could (often unquestioningly) be drafted in to support this anti-choice argument. One which results in pain and suffering (and sometimes death) for women all over the world.

You want to know how? The rich, white, religious (and not so religious) elite. The same group of people who pushed Brexit by telling the working poor they were being harmed by unskilled migration, when really they just wanted to make more money themselves through deregulation and avoid new EU tax laws.
It’s these people who want to keep women poor, struggling, uneducated, spoonfed from tabloids, fighting against each other. They want to keep women at home with their 15 kids, not out in the workforce, and definitely not in positions of power making changes to the status quo.

They are making a power grab. And they’ve done it by convincing ordinary Christian people (who you might not agree with, but who generally are decent people) to carry the flag for them. While they sit in their oak-panelled rooms drinking whisky and laughing at how gullible humans are. And organising abortions for their mistresses.

So, what to do?
If you’re a marketer, a copywriter, anyone who uses persuasive language for their work, then you have a skill to lay at the feet of those fighting back.

If you want to take it to the top then great! There are so many organisations looking for copywriters to help them with fundraising, advertising, and campaigning. Offer your services!

But if you’re more of a 1-1 person, then please – use your communication skills to talk to those ordinary people. You know, the slightly removed family members you follow on Facebook who post dubious articles about full-term abortions.

You know how to change people’s minds. It’s what your clients pay you for. So try and change theirs. Not by ranting and telling them they don’t care about human suffering. They do. They’re just being manipulated. Do your research, craft your message, help them to see another perspective.

Copywriters of the world – UNITE!

Carry on reading

I’m no stranger to trying to make sense of tragedy.

I dealt with my father’s death and my first husband suddenly dying from cancer in the space of 8 months in 2014.

I’ve picked up the phone too often to hear the consequences of the mental health struggles of those around me.

I have explained tsunamis, recessions, pandemics, food banks, miscarriages, divorce, racist police forces, war, and school shootings to my son many times. 

As a youth worker, I have sat with teenagers as they try to make sense of pain and suffering, and how this could ever be reconciled with a loving God, or even a benign universe. 

I have been the empathetic voice of calm, of comfort, of support more times than I can count in my 39 years.

I may not know the answers, but I know how to be a parent when tragedy strikes. I know how to hold, and soothe, and distract, and explain. I know how to get them through.

And I know now, more than ever before, when to retreat from the world and lick my wounds, and when to get up, get dressed, and get on with things.

But I have never been a business owner at the same time. And that’s a whole different ball game.

I don’t know how you run a business and hold space for the shit that the world keeps dumping on us.

Because – and I mean this with the utmost respect and heartfelt sorrow for the most recent victims in Texas, Buffalo, and Ukraine – there is always something.

It doesn’t make any of the individual tragedies any less tragic. It doesn’t make my heart break any less.

But let’s be honest: We weren’t even 10 days on from the horrific shooting in Buffalo when the news from Texas broke.

There comes a point where we have to be realistic. 

If we’re going to take a break from our regular marketing out of respect for the victims and their families every time something like this happens, then we might as well pack up our Instagram passwords and go home.

Or we may have to admit that our regular marketing isn’t serving us in a world where we’re expected to always say the right thing about the next horrific news story. While selling our offers with energy and enthusiasm.

My business pays my bills. It provides for my family. It benefits my mental health.

And it helps support the businesses of all my clients so they can do the same things.

I don’t have the financial luxury of “taking time out” or “stepping back”.

And I have learned – through a childhood reliant on the welfare state, friendships with those whose sexuality was rejected by those around them, and a strong realisation that we are all responsible for each other as a human race – that politics cannot be separated from anything else in life.

So, bills or no bills, I also don’t have the ethical luxury of staying silent about the injustices around me.

So how to reconcile the two?

I think I may find part of the answer in the ethical marketing framework I’m exploring. 

I’m attempting to find a way to hold space for the reality of the world, while acknowledging that marketing is a necessity. 

And I think that, if your brand speaks in your authentic voice, then there is space to do both. Because your authenticity will draw your people around you. 

You will always find people who say: 

“Linked In isn’t Facebook.”

“I’m here for your soaps, not politics.”

And you will always find people who think you’re being insensitive running your business while people are suffering.

But here’s the thing…

Stopping every time something terrible happens implies that it’s out of the ordinary. 

It’s not.

So I’m going to try a more authentic approach. And I invite you to consider trying it with me. 

What would a more authentic marketing strategy look like?

• Less scheduling: Having a content strategy is an important part of running an intentional business (and staying sane!). But scheduling your posts too far in advance can sometimes mean your content is completely out of sync with the collective narrative. And you’ll end up seeming tone-deaf. 
• A more holistic understanding: It’s easy to put our professional mask on when we’re out and about on the internet being our business. Focusing on sales and the specific topics that relate to your niche. But customers expect more now, and so they should. Your business is part of the world, and as such the state of the world should affect your content. 
• Changing how you view selling: If you see selling as getting people to give you their money, then marketing during a tragedy probably feels icky. But if you see selling as serving your audience, making their lives better in some way, then why wouldn’t you continue doing that during sad times? 
• Space for dialogue: Faceless companies changing their logos, or asking you to buy something where 5% is going to a random charity, feels exploitative. A business you know using their platform to address things you care about, doesn’t. So make connections with your audience. Get to know them, and let them get to know you. And then working out how to speak to them during a tragedy will be a hell of a lot easier. And more effective.

So, this is what it’s going to look like for me right now:

When terrible things happen in the world I’m not going to feel guilty talking about the new service I was going to launch. But I’m also going to mix that messaging with my thoughts on the terrible thing, what resources I can point people towards, what causes I can shine a light on, and what space I can hold for people to share their grief.

Because life has no clear boundaries. Everything we do leaks into everything else we do. I am a whole person in my business as much as I am when discussing climate policies around the kitchen table. 

I’d love to know what you think.

Carry on reading

I’ve been trying to meditate more regularly. Finding a moment of peace after the whirlwind of breakfast, nappy changes, porridge-covered outfit swaps, bag packing, and school run traffic feels like a necessary reset. Even if I have a pile of work to get through before I do the whole thing in reverse later.

Today’s Daily Calm was all about empathy. And, while I should have been focusing on my breathing and the connection my body made with the chair, my brain started firing in all directions.

“Empathy,” Tamara said in her effortlessly calm voice (do you think she’s ever dealt with a toddler tantrum?), “is understanding and sharing the feelings of someone else.”

Why does empathy matter in marketing?

To empathise means connecting with something in ourselves that allows us to relate to someone else’s experience.

It allows people to feel understood and supported.

And lets people feel they aren’t alone.

And the whole time (“breathe in for 4, and out for 4”) I was silently shouting “Copywriting! Copywriting! Copywriting!”

This is what we do. 

Well, you know, if we’re doing it properly.

I’m not a data person. I can’t get excited about percentages, and numbers, and graphs, and conversion rates, and A/B testing, and ROI.

I see their value. They serve a purpose. But they’re not what gets me up in the morning. 

They’re not why I still pinch myself for falling upon this incredibly perfect career.

I get excited about people. About connections. About working out how someone is feeling, what they need in that moment, and how I can communicate to them the best way to get it. 

I like wishy–washy feelings (and I cannot lie…).

How do copywriters use empathy?

What we do as copywriters – when we ask to interview your customers, when we pore over pages of Trustpilot reviews, when we bill you to hang out in Facebook groups your audience hang out in, when we ask you for the 3rd time to tell us why started your company – is empathise. 

We put ourselves in your customers’ brains. We make that connection. We share their feelings.

So that we can better communicate exactly what they need. We can show them they’re not alone. And we can gently nudge them toward your solution. 

Sympathy doesn’t cut it in the world of online marketing. People don’t want pity. 

A cerebral analysing of pain points is becoming less and less effective as people become wise to manipulative advertising. 

“Poor you! You’re going through this? You should feel bad! It’s awful! Have you thought about how this bit makes it even worse? Gosh, you’re in a mess! Buy this thing and it’ll make it better!”

I’m not here for that. 

Sure, it might work once. But then where do you go?

Using empathy to build long-term customer value

I talk a lot about building authentic relationships – hell, it’s kind of my USP. But authentic relationships aren’t built overnight, and they aren’t built by telling people how they’re lacking, and selling them something that promises to be a quick fix (right now, because the cart is closing in 12 hours!).

Authentic relationships start with connection. And that connection can’t be one-way. 

I do a lot of work with my clients on how they can use their story, their passion, to help their audience connect with their brand. 

But as a brand, you also need to forge and nurture a connection with your customers. Why? Because otherwise, you don’t actually know what they need. You might think your service or product is perfect for them, but if you haven’t taken the time to understand them – to share their feelings, then you’re more likely to miss the mark. With your offer, and with the way you try to communicate its value.

Quick hit marketing techniques can use manipulation, false scarcity, false urgency, and all the other tricks to get people to buy once. 

But if you want returning customers, loyal fans, advocates who shout about your brand to everyone they meet…

If you want actual Long-Term Customer Value (to put it in marketing speak)…

Then you need that two-way connection.

You need empathy.

And if you think this sounds great, but you’re a little busy running your actual business – that’s cool. You need a copywriter to do it for you.

I think I might know where you can find one of those…

Book a Call

Carry on reading

Every Saturday my local high street is buzzing. Couples walk hand in hand surveying the antique shops. Parents herd children through crowds towards the tea shop, where ice cream waits (or bacon sandwiches in winter). 

Sure, we have empty storefronts like the rest of the country, and a unit that’s been vacant since I moved here 9 years ago (and houses 65% of the town’s pigeon population). But the street is full of interesting, independent shops to wander through. You can find the perfect book – with expert advice – at the independent book shop. The boutiques will distil your style into a dress that feels like it was made for you. And you can put your feet up after a busy morning in the organic cafe while munching on the most glorious cakes you’ve ever seen.

My point? Well, aside from the fact that I love where I live, it seems to me that there are lessons that online businesses can learn from my local high street. Want to find out how to tap into the magic of the local butcher? Read on!

Shop local!

Where do you get your lightbulbs?

We all want to or feel we should shop local these days. We’re nudged by “Small Business Saturday” campaigns, and that enduring Pinterest quote about a real person doing a happy dance every time we buy a coaster. And we’ve all seen enough news reports about Amazon being the root of all evil.

But human beings are essentially lazy. I don’t mean that in a judgemental way. We naturally tend toward conserving resources. So we, you know, survive as a species.

So, in a world where we can speak out loud (Hi Alexa!) and manifest toilet rolls at our door, why do we so often make the effort to jump in the car with our reusable shopping bag, and pound the pavement for our potatoes?

The pull of the personal

There are 4 reasons why we make the effort to shop in our local stores:

We want to connect

To be human is to want to reach out (yes, even if you’re an introvert you need to use your rusty voice every once in a while!). And in a society where we are working alone a lot of the time, heading into a shop to have a conversation gives us the buzz we need. Talking to another human being about our day, or the lamb chops on the counter even gives us an oxytocin boost.

We want to know we matter

Not only do we seek out connection, but we want to know that we are making a difference. That someone is happy to see us, and that our purchases are having an impact on an individual. It’s the happy dance thing – we could buy our cat food from Amazon, but knowing the pet shop owner is expecting us every other Tuesday helps us see the dent we’re making on the world.

We want to “do the right thing”

Guilt is a massive motivator in every sphere of human existence. And while we don’t want to weigh people down with negative feelings, a little bit of it gives us a push to adapt our behaviour. We know we should be giving up Facebook, we know we shouldn’t be having that 4th doughnut, we know we should be grabbing our grapefruits from the farmer’s market instead of Tesco. (We don’t always do it, but the urge to do the right thing makes it more likely!)

We’re nosy!

Those elderly ladies in front of you in the queue at the Post Office, chatting about their day and asking the cashier all sorts of questions about their shift patterns, hair colour, where they got their nails done. They’re the epitome of this point. 

But we all have that tendency. We like to know what’s going on in people’s lives. And we like to be able to sit down at the dinner table at the end of the day and say “You’ll never guess where the barista is going on holiday!”

Gossip is a currency, and stepping into a shop, seeing the same person each week, and finding out more about their life, means we end up pretty rich.

In summary – People buy people!

Which is great if you do have a brick and mortar storefront on a well-trodden high street. But there’s no way an online business can tap into that – is there?

What about online businesses?

These days, online businesses don’t necessarily mean big faceless, race-to-the-bottom corporations. They can mean the num struggling to fit in packaging parcels in her spare room after the bedtime story.

They can mean the family-run sustainable cosmetic business with a local ethos supporting a charity abroad. 

They can mean you, sitting at your laptop designing people’s websites or running invaluable online coaching programmes.

It’s perfectly possible for you to tap into the whole “shop local” vibe. It just takes working a little differently. And being a bit more intentional about how you communicate.

3 ways you can get the mom and pop feel online

1. Tell a story: You are your business’s secret weapon! Your personality, your values, your funny stories, these are the things that will make a connection. And make people spend money with you, rather than someone else. Use your about page and your product descriptions (or service pages) to add personality to your website – sprinkle the whole thing with a little bit (or a lot) of you!
2. Be a person: You are human, not a faceless corporation with drones delivering dinner plates. Let people see you. Let them imagine you doing a happy dance (or, you know, knock yourself out and actually do one!). Use your social media accounts to tap into the “do the right thing” urge and show them they’re buying from an actual person. Even if you are behind a screen. You can find some tips to help you from Hootsuite.
3. Build a relationship: Building authentic relationships with your customers is your number 1 tool for encouraging long term loyalty and sales. It helps you discover what they want, what they value, and it helps you speak to them in a way they’ll connect with. Use your email list! Get your personality – the funny stories you’d share with them if you met in real life – directly into their inbox. And do it regularly, so they expect to see you there, and smile as if bumping into an old friend.

Make the connection

I’m going to say it again – People buy people. And you can be a person just as easily behind a screen as you can on a high street. With these 3 tools, you can build relationships that rival a local community. And those relationships are key to how you keep people coming back.

My LED framework helps you do this by tapping into what your audience really cares about, and engaging with them.

So, let’s talk about how you can be less faceless Amazon, and more friendly artisan.

Carry on reading