I’m pretty sure that at some point in the last few years, you will have had a conversation with a loved one, a colleague, or a complete stranger. A conversation that very quickly turned into an argument about something to do with politics, the environment, or social justice. Brexit, maybe? Trump, vaccines, or whose fault child poverty is?
Fast forward to the end of the “discussion”, and everyone is left feeling hyped up, attacked, upset, and staring at the remains of a broken relationship on the floor.
Wouldn’t it be nice if you could talk about the things that matter to you without unleashing a tirade of debate club-level points on the human being you’re talking to? That’s what I’m offering you here: 3 tools that help you have important conversations, across the political divide, without burning bridges.
Why we’re arguing more – some thoughts
Arguments are becoming more and more common.
I jumped on The Copywriter Club podcast a few months ago to talk about how I infuse empathy into my marketing. Rob Marsh, one of the hosts, mentioned that one of the reasons he thinks this is happening is because politics has become more and more a part of our identities. We are being pushed into these groups where we identify with other people who believe the same things as us. And these differing opinions are becoming political polarization.
That means when someone challenges your politics or your ideas around political issues, then it feels personal. It feels like you need to be defensive because they’re attacking you. They’re not only attacking something that you think.
All this has two results:
- We take people disagreeing with us incredibly personally
- We put people into boxes
There are people who believe the same things as we do. And those people are reasoned and logical and have thought hard about their opinions and their beliefs. They have resources and rationales and they’re nice.
And then there are the people who disagree with us.
These people have obviously either been manipulated or come to their conclusions in a misguided way. They’ve jumped to conclusions, and not thought things through properly. Or they’re just horrible evil people, and we must convince them that they’re wrong.
When this mindset makes it almost impossible to have a conversation with someone across the political spectrum without it turning into an argument…we never learn how to talk across the political divide.
3 Tools to help you have better conversations
Almost impossible…
But not quite. These three tools will help you talk to people who disagree with you and come out the other side without feeling like you’ve been in a battle. Instead, you’ll come out the other side feeling like you’ve made progress – like things have moved forward.
And the tools you need?
- Listening properly
- Considering things from their perspective
- Approaching every conversation with curiosity
Let’s take one at a time, think about why they’re important, and how we can put them into practice.
Listen properly
I know, I know – it sounds obvious. Of course you’re listening if you’re having a conversation.
Except, are you?
Generally speaking, when people are listening to someone talk, they’re not really listening. If your kids are speaking. Are you really paying attention to every single thing that they’re telling you about the latest Fortnite battle that they went through, or are you mentally going through the shopping list?
When you are having a conversation or a debate with someone who you disagree with, you’re not really listening to them while they’re talking. You’re mentally forming your next point. You’re working out how you can reverse everything that they just said and how you can convince them.
You’re not listening – you’re waiting your turn.
And that’s not constructive. Because what you miss while you’re doing that are the things that will help you understand them.
The words that they are using, the vocabulary, and the emphasis. Whether they’re shy about different things or they’re stuttering. Whether they seem particularly nervous, impassioned, or angry. Their body language.
Imagine you begin a conversation with a family member who disagrees with you about prison reform, for example, and you can see that they’re getting incredibly upset. They’re using very emotive words and seem agitated.
That tells you something about where that person is coming from. It tells you that this is not an academic argument for them, but rather something that matters to them on a personal level.
Perhaps they’ve had a relative sent to prison. Perhaps they work in the prison system. It could be that they or someone that they love has been a victim of a crime and the perpetrator of that crime went to prison.
Consider things from their perspective
Tool number two is considering what the other person is saying from their perspective.
You can get the first clues on this from listening to the language that they’re using and their body language. But to really get into it, you need to set your assumptions aside and ask questions.
What experience has this person had that has led them to their opinion?
Even if the belief they have is a conspiracy theory that has been soundly debunked by everybody that you trust, the chances are, they will have come to that belief through logic and reason and rationale, even if it’s a different logic, reason or rationale than you would have done. They will have searched for answers to their questions and found different sources. It will make sense to them. There is genuinely going to be a reason behind it.
And seeing things from different perspectives helps you get to that reason.
Think about what knowledge and experience they have had that you didn’t. For example, did they grow up massively poor, and you actually had a pretty financially stable upbringing? That gives them a different experience. It gives them a different slant on some topics. Did they experience a loved one who was a drug addict or an alcoholic, which then colours their opinions on drugs, alcohol or addiction therapy?
There are countless examples. But when you start to see things from other people’s perspectives, and you realise how they got to where they are, it really really helps you see that other person as an actual human being. Somebody with the same intellectual and emotional capacity as you, someone with similar concerns to you. Another human being who, just like you, worries about their family and paying their energy bills.
Remember that, and you’re less likely to go off into a tirade about your topic of choice.
Approach every conversation with curiosity
So we have to listen properly, and we have to consider the perspective of the person we’re talking to.
Tool number three is curiosity, or more precisely, approaching every conversation with curiosity. What can you learn from this interaction?
My son is almost 11. And at the moment, he is writing an essay to convince people that whaling is wrong. The whole point of the activity is to argue this position and to convince the person on the other side of this essay to agree with him.
When he told me about it I was suddenly taken back to my English class. Sitting there as an 11-year-old writing an essay about why foxhunting was wrong. We were learning the particular skill of writing persuasively, and it was part of the curriculum that every child in the UK had to follow.
We learnt how to take a position and convince someone that this view was right.
Now, that is an important skill in life, being able to persuade people can be quite useful. And to be able to do it without being manipulative is even more important. We learn how to argue convincingly.
But at no point in our curriculum, at school, as an adult, do we learn how to have conversations. We don’t learn how to enter into a conversation with someone who disagrees with us with curiosity and compassion.
And actually, I think that means that we default to arguing our point like we’re in a debate every time we are confronted with somebody who disagrees with us.
Instead, approaching a conversation with curiosity means that you don’t see it as a failure if you walk away and you haven’t convinced the other person that they’re wrong. You see it as a win that you have learned something new about them, the topic or a different perspective. You might even be able to find common ground – something that you do agree on and can work together on.
And if you do that, then what you’re really doing is holding that conversation gently. It’s not a life-or-death struggle. And I think we’ve been taught to view arguments or debates about political views as life and death struggles. It’s why we resort to personal attacks online and why our attempts at discussions are fraught with conflict.
But it’s not a battle.
It’s just a conversation.
And if we approach those conversations with curiosity, empathy and a willingness to learn, then together, we can reduce the political polarization that stops us from having coffee with people we love. That leads us to block family members on Facebook. That fractures our society.
Get ready for better conversations
So the next time you sit down at the dinner table with Aunt Stephanie or Uncle Bob. For Thanksgiving or Christmas. And they come out with something that you massively disagree with on climate change or gun control…
Start with listening. Rather than jumping off the start line, yelling at them about how misguided and wrong they are, because you think you can convince them. Leaving everyone else at the table staring at the Brussell sprouts.
You don’t have to avoid family dinners completely, either. There is a middle ground.
You can just have a conversation.
You can ask why Sally believes that. Where did they get those ideas from? How did they come to those conclusions? What don’t you know about her life that means that it makes sense for her to believe those things, even if you might personally find that quite offensive?
And when you have the answers to those questions, you can employ a little empathy. And look at Sally as a human being with intrinsic value. As a sum of her experiences, influences, and circumstances. Just like you.
Which is a good place to start your next conversation.
Want to learn how to weave your politics into your business messaging? Here’s an article I wrote: